The Baptism of Shrek
The Baptism of Shrek
Matthew 3:13-17 was very light on detail. New revelations from The Gospel of Shrek tell the true story.
On a picturesque riverbank stand Shrek, wearing a robe and sandals, by the river. The crowd is buzzing with anticipation. Donkey the Baptist is dressed in a flamboyant camel hair outfit, is ready to perform Shrekâs baptism.
Donkey the Baptist: (excitedly) Ladies and gentlemen, gather 'round! Today, we have a special guest, none other than our friend Shrek, here for a baptism extravaganza!
The crowd claps and cheers as Shrek gives a sheepish grin.
Shrek Christ: Well, Donkey, I figured it was about time to wash away the swampy sins and dive into the holy waters.
Donkey the Baptist: (proudly) That's the spirit, Shrek! Let's get this party started!
Shrek wades into the water, and the crowd watches eagerly as Donkey prepares for the baptism with exaggerated enthusiasm.
Donkey the Baptist: (shouting) By the power vested in me, I baptize you in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit! Now, let the holy water work its magic!
Donkey dunks Shrek into the water, and the crowd erupts in cheers. Suddenly, a heavenly light shines down, and a voice from above, with a touch of Lord Farquaad's tone, booms.
Voice from Above: (booming) This is my beloved ogre, in whom I am well pleased!
Shrek Christ: (wiping water off his face) Well, that's one way to make a grand entrance. I guess I'm officially cleansed and approved, but can someone pass me a towel?
The crowd continues cheering, and as Shrek emerges from the water, itâs like God has slowed down time into a slow-motion shot with an epic '90s power ballad playing in the background. The camera captures the moment as Shrek and Donkey high-five as they walk away from the river.
Shrek Christ: Thanks for the dunk, Donkey. Now, let's go grab some onion-flavored manna or something.
Donkey the Baptist): You got it, buddy! Baptism complete, and now it's time for some heavenly snacks!
